Rachel? Who's Rachel? (or The Only Fight I Ever Tried To Pick)
by J Timothy Dotson - 2008
(a true tale)
I was at the bar. This was not my first beer. No. The empty mugs were gathering. Rachel broke up with me today. The problem was...I never knew we were together. How could this happen? I chugged the rest of my beer, motioned to the keep. He set a fresh one in front of me. I made him leave the empties...I was counting.
I had started out confused...but the more I thought, the more I drank. The more I drank, the less sense it made. How could Rachel break up with me if I did not know she was my girlfriend? It was very confusing. In my alcoholic haze, there was only one thing that made sense to me. Time to pick a fight. That was all there was to it.
I turned around on my barstool. I stood up, all 5'5" of me. I looked out across a sea of dancers....and way out in the middle floated a gray Stetson hat. It looked like a Tom Mix hat, but at least a foot or more above the rest of the crowd. There was my target!
So, I turned around and set my mug on the bar, then I pushed and elbowed and wormed my way through the crowd. I found myself looking up skyscraper-style at the ceiling fans towards the proximity of the large hat. I stood firm. And then I kicked this fellow in his left kneecap.
There was a curse and then a hopping on his right leg while holding his left knee...and then he stopped. I said "Let's take this outside , mister!"
There was a roar of laughter and a "Hahahohoha, I like you...yore really funny!" in a western cowboy drawl. He clapped me on the back so hard I almost swallowed my tongue.
"Let me buy you a drink, pardner!" He steered me to the bar with a huge hand, and bought me two...one for each hand. He had two as well. And then he said "Follow me, Shorty."
We went out the back door to a huge patio in the pine trees. He said "When I am feelin' persnickerty like you are, I do this!" He chugged his drink and then threw the glass hard through the trees. He said "Go on, do it." So I did. Then he said "Next one together!" We chugged and threw. "Feel better now?" I did. I had a new friend.
by J Timothy Dotson - 2008
(a true tale)
I was at the bar. This was not my first beer. No. The empty mugs were gathering. Rachel broke up with me today. The problem was...I never knew we were together. How could this happen? I chugged the rest of my beer, motioned to the keep. He set a fresh one in front of me. I made him leave the empties...I was counting.
I had started out confused...but the more I thought, the more I drank. The more I drank, the less sense it made. How could Rachel break up with me if I did not know she was my girlfriend? It was very confusing. In my alcoholic haze, there was only one thing that made sense to me. Time to pick a fight. That was all there was to it.
I turned around on my barstool. I stood up, all 5'5" of me. I looked out across a sea of dancers....and way out in the middle floated a gray Stetson hat. It looked like a Tom Mix hat, but at least a foot or more above the rest of the crowd. There was my target!
So, I turned around and set my mug on the bar, then I pushed and elbowed and wormed my way through the crowd. I found myself looking up skyscraper-style at the ceiling fans towards the proximity of the large hat. I stood firm. And then I kicked this fellow in his left kneecap.
There was a curse and then a hopping on his right leg while holding his left knee...and then he stopped. I said "Let's take this outside , mister!"
There was a roar of laughter and a "Hahahohoha, I like you...yore really funny!" in a western cowboy drawl. He clapped me on the back so hard I almost swallowed my tongue.
"Let me buy you a drink, pardner!" He steered me to the bar with a huge hand, and bought me two...one for each hand. He had two as well. And then he said "Follow me, Shorty."
We went out the back door to a huge patio in the pine trees. He said "When I am feelin' persnickerty like you are, I do this!" He chugged his drink and then threw the glass hard through the trees. He said "Go on, do it." So I did. Then he said "Next one together!" We chugged and threw. "Feel better now?" I did. I had a new friend.
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