Hope people get a few laughts out of this story.

NIGHT TROUBLES


There is a feeling one gets when one sees a giant bat silhouetted against the full moon. It's not a good feeling let me tell you, especially when my "Inner Voice" had been telling me for hours that I really shouldn't be here!
Look, it's not that I'm stupid or anything like that. It's just when you work with the kind of magic I do for a living, you have to go to strange places to get your spell components. Tonight I had gone to one of those strange places, a graveyard during a full moon. It was still early enough in the springtime that the trees had not yet put on their full green plumage, although the grass was starting to get tall in a few places. It was a cold and damp night with only a few clouds in the sky.
Of course I took precautions, words and runes and things like that. As I said, I'm no fool. Somehow as I felt the power of that bat's magic, I didn't think they be a whole lot of help. Hiding seemed a much wiser option.
My Inner Voice said, "I told you so."
I told her to "Shut up." She did, not because I told her to, but because we had more trouble, and she didn't want to distract me. My Inner Voice lost her own body a couple of decades back and now she stuck in mine, (it's a long story).
She doesn’t like the thought of being bodiless again so she gets kind of upset with me when she thinks I'm taking unnecessary chances.
No sooner did I get hidden than our next late night visitor came by, a dark gray wolf the size of a pony. The she wolf stopped to sniff the fall breeze, no I don't know how I knew it was a she, but somehow I was very sure.
I was beginning to sweat in spite of the cold. Gods, was I glad I was down wind. For a second I thought the eyes shown with a red light. Then she turned and dashed into the night. At that point I had to ask my Inner Voice, "Are they what I think they are?"
"Oh, now you want to listen to me! Now, that we are in too deep in the quick sand for it to do any good. Did you listen to me this afternoon?" she asked, "I said, wait, pick another night with less random magic flying around? But no, you think you're ready for the big times...” My Inner Voice's tirade was interrupted by a loud screech, followed by a snarl and a crash. Then the night silence was complete.
I wasn't the only being that didn't like the sounds of that, no dog called, no bug sounded off. Long minutes passed, the breeze caught the sweat on my hair and face letting the spring cold in. There was a faint noise off to my right. Suddenly a man came into the clearing not more than thirty feet from my hiding place. He was tall, maybe six, six. His hair was dark, but his skin was as white as a wolf's fangs. He wore a cape of midnight blue, with dark gold lining. He showed all of the signs of a man looking for something; I dearly hoped that something wasn't me. Even if it wasn't there are sometimes it can be real unhealthy to be a witness.
Then silently, he stood listening, suddenly with incredible speed he was gone. Before I could breathe a sigh of relief, a woman came into the clearing. She had curly brown hair that fell down to the middle of her back. Her dress was full length and richly made in blue and gold. She too was looking for something, or someone. She also left with a speed that belied normality.
Once again time passed in silence as the woodland creature and I hardly dared breath. Many minutes passed before I even dared speak silently to my Inner Voice, "You think we should make a break for it?"
"There's a trail back behind us if we can crawl through this underbrush."
Staying put would probably have been the better idea, but I had a feeling that if I did not do something soon I would scream. And that would be about the worst possible idea.
Crawling through thick undergrowth in the dead of night, while trying not to make any sound may be somebody's idea of fun. After doing it for over a half hour all I can say is, that it would have to be a really sick somebody's idea of fun. The ground underbrush was damp; there were vines, thistles, and lots of crawly things.
I froze as the night exploded into sound. They couldn't have been more than a few feet from me, right there in the thicket with me. The growing, screeching, and sound of brush breaking seemed to be inside my head. It seemed to drag on forever, though in truth it was no more than a minute. Then as suddenly as it began it stopped.
At last I looked up. Between the branches of a low shrub I could see into clearing, where I had been only minutes before. On the far side hanging to the trunk of a tree was a giant bat larger than a great horned owl. Its wings were spread against the tree trunk, and I could see that one of them was torn. I could also see his eyes glowing red in the night gloom, moving slowly back and forth.
Then the bat moved. He was just in time to be missed by the wolf. She leapt from cover a full twenty feet into the air just missing the bat with gleaming white jaws. As she fell back to earth I could see dark lines of blood along the side of her neck.
In the silence that followed I spoke to my Inner Voice.
"This was your idea, what do we do now?"
"We Don't Scream!" She replied, reading my thoughts or maybe just my feelings.
"How about curling up in a catatonic ball?"
"Slightly better, but not much,” my Inner Voice replied.
"Why haven't you learned invisibility, or teleporting or something useful like that?"
"Oh come on! I am having trouble with summoning light even."
"I've a feeling," said my Inner Voice, "that if we had a strong enough light it might help, but not that dim thing you get once in a blue moon."
I couldn't argue, she knew my abilities as well as I did. I did however remind her, "If I was a better magic user, I might have a better familiar than a disembody spirit!" This time it was she that didn't fell like arguing the point.
Hell I didn't want to argue earthier. I wanted out of here.
Anywhere sounded better than here. Hell! Even a three-hour speech by old man Cayfarn on hygiene sounded good about now.
"Look,” said my Inner Voice. "I've heard that these kind don't like water. There's a creek across that trail and down the ravine. Maybe we can make it. Running water you know."
"Running water." I winced, "It's a long mud puddle, with blackberry vines."
"Got a better idea?"
I didn't, so I decided to get moving again. I was almost to the trail when I saw her standing unmoving a dozen feet ahead of me. It was the same curly haired women I seen earlier. Her dress had been ripped away to the waist. Blood glistened black in the moonlight dripping off one naked breast. But it was her hands that took my breath away. The fingers were way too long, ending in even longer claws. Her eyes shown with a red light, very much like the bat's eyes.
Then I heard a male voice. It seemed both far away and very near by. Both very loud and ominously quiet. "It's time my bitch. The night grows old the inevitable awaits us. Come to me now, let the contest’s final stage begin." She turned in the trail; the remains of her dress sliding down her hips, legs and off her angels to the muddy trail.
She changed into the she-wolf before my eyes, even as the great bat came flying out of nowhere. The impact of his dive drove the wolf backwards towards my hiding place. I shrank backward and began prospecting for hot lava. I begged the sun to come up just a little early, maybe just this once, please!
They were close, loud, violent, and magical, nothing could have been more terrifying. The screeching of the bat assailed my ears in sounds so high pitched that they seemed to be inside my head. The snarls of the wolf were so low they seem to be coming from the bowels of the Earth. Before they were done, lightning hit the earth nearby. I heard the scream of a man's voice, followed by a women's.
A wind blew up and took down small trees. Also it blow me backward, and a little farther away, thank the gods. A torn cape still attached to a ripped open tunic settled on a tree branch near by me. The earth rumbled again and again.
At the end all that was left were the screeches and the growls and the screams. Slowly they lost some of their anger and lust, and became more tired and determined. At last even this sound faded away and the night fell into the silence of death.
What drove me to look out from my hiding place again I cannot say. Not a high degree of intelligence I am sure. The vampire was sitting upright in a field of distortion. He was trying to push a bone back into his arm left hanging to his body by one or two strips of skin. The werewolf, now fully in human form, lay beside him. Her naked body showed the paper white like a corpse drained of every drop of blood.
The night was so still that my breathing sounded like thunder in my own ears.
To my surprise the vampire turned to the werewolf and touched her hair ever so softly. She turned her slowly to look at him.
He smiled, "It was good for you too, wasn't it?"
She smiled back, sighed, and placed her head in his lap. "Of course it was marvelous. Same time next month?"
"As always."
THE END